This episode of Pages is "Jump," a short play by Joan Philo. "Jump" was first performed at Second City's Donny's Skybox Theater in Chicago in May|June of 2003 :
The Players :
Dave : Suicidal jumper (45) (male)
Phone (V.O.) : Suicide Prevention Operator (female)
Carnie Wilson (V.O.); Carnie Wilson character (female|same)
PHONE (V.O.): Hello --
DAVE (frantic): Hello?
PHONE (V.O.): ... you have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. If you are on a Touchtone phone, press one, now.
PHONE (V.O.): For your convenience this system is voice activated, for English, say English now, for Spanish --
PHONE (V.O.) (Spanish): Hola, como esta? Me llamo es Claudia Maria Lolita Rodriguez. Como --
DAVE; Shit, English!
PHONE (V.O.): Shit, English is not a proper option. Please press the pound key, or wait on the line.
PHONE (V.O.): Thank you for your patience. Remember we deeply care about you and are trying to get to you as soon as possible. To order a copy of "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips, say "Hold On" or press one, now. To speak with an operator, say operator --
DAVE (frustrated shout): Operator!
PHONE (V.O.): This is the operator.
PHONE (V.O.): Yes?
DAVE: Oh, thank God.
PHONE (V.O.): Hold please.
DAVE: No, wait. (pleads) Come on.
CARNIE WILSON (V.O.): Hi --
DAVE: Yes, hi, thank --
CARNIE WILSON (V.O.): ... this is Carnie Wilson, by now you've probably heard our hit song "Hold On"--
DAVE (shouts into phone): That song sucked!
CARNIE WILSON (V.O.); ... when I filmed that video up on the grassy hill, you might of noticed how the director hid me behind my anorexic looking sister, Wendy, and long time "I'm the hottest look at me" best friend Chynna Phillips. Well, I didn't like that and I had dark thoughts too...
DAVE: I want a live person right now. Do you hear me? (yells) Operator!
CARNIE WILSON (V.O.): And now my stomach's the size of a pea.
PHONE (V.O.): ... to kill yourself by a gun, press one. By leaping out of window, press two. By holding your breath, press three. By knife, razor blade, or anything remotely resembling a shiny sharp object, press four, now. And remember, in the words of Carnie Wilson, "Hold on."
DAVE (steaming mad, shouts): Fuck Carnie Wilson!
PHONE (V.O.): To fuck, Carnie Wilson, press one.
DAVE (screams into phone): Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
PHONE (V.O.): To fuck all three Wilson Phillips singers, press three, now.
DAVE (shouts): Stop it, just stop it. I'm going to hurl myself off this cliff you fucking morons. Do you hear me? This is me, screaming, plunging to my death... PRESS THIS!
DAVE: I'm gonna kick your ass. I'm gonna hunt you down. You suck! Your hotline sucks! I'm so gonna kill myself, right after I find you and torture your Carnie Wilson loving automated ass.
DAVE: Humph. I feel pretty good.
DAVE: Pretty damn good.
[ :::email celluloid dog to a friend::: ]